Who Am I?

Unemployed bum and holidays!

2006-08-14T21:00:00.000Z

Hey....

Sorry I haven't written anything in a long time. I have been so busy.

M and I are heading back to Australia so our time has been busy packing, finishing work, planning holidays, closing accounts, seeing friends etc.

We finished work on Friday and had a very drunken farewell which showed me how many fantastic friends I had at work. And yes come midnight I was a mess in tears. Why does alcohol make you so emotional?

We then spent the weekend at a weeding in Basingstoke - lovely, packing and then I went to see Madonna last night with a close friend - fantastic. She is definately an entertainer.

Anyway as of tomorrow we are off travelling around Europe for a month, then back to London for 5 days and then home via US and Canada for a month. So we are now unemployed bums for over 2 mths! oh the hard life!

I will try to write travel updates as we go but not sure how the timing will go and access to the internet. I am sad to be leaving but know that it is time and I have let a lot go in relation to 7/7. Just in time - it has all come together. I had my last session with my psychologist last week which was emotional but I felt like it had all come to and end and it was time for me to move on.

Well I must go as we are staying at our friends so better go spend time with them before we take off. Some last words though:

To my KCU friends - you are the closest friends I will ever have and I am grateful to have known you all over the last year. You have all made my life more beareable and given me so much support, love and laughs.

To M - my inspiration, my rock, my love - thank you for all!

Take care
x

On my own

2006-07-13T11:28:00.000Z

In the last month or so I have reversed back to not being able to get on the tube on my own. I had been doing so well, I was almost taking in what I was actually reading on the tube. I was stopping my safety behaviours.

But then I got stuck on 3 seperate occasions where the power went out. On 3 seperate lines over a 2 week period. The last time after the power went out I was then stuck in a tunnel for 5-10min. I just couldn't do it anymore, I got too scared to be stuck on the tube on my own. Even if it was just a power outage I did not want to be down in that dark tunnel on my own. Too many dark, horrible memories.

So M has been fantastic and a few close friends, catching the tube with me, changing his journey to be with me. Friends egging me back on, even if only with them. When I couldn't be with someone I would get the bus or not go to work at all, working from home. I would avoid Central London on weekends.

Today however was different, M was working in North London, friends in my area were not around. It was either the bus (1.5hrs) or tube on my own. I went to bed late so got up late, so missed the opportunity of the bus. I thought of calling KCU friends but decided I had to do this. So I kissed M and told him I loved him and set off down the tube.

I grabbed a metro to try and distract myself. Luckily the tube wasn't packed either when it pulled up. There were two guys with a spare seat in between them so I sat there, in the comfort of two burley men beside me! We set of, everything was going ok, I was pushing myself in my mind. Then after Holloway Road we kept stopping in the tunnel. A few trains in front had an incident so we were being held up. I kept wishing the tube not to stop in the tunnel and it did a few times but I pushed the bad thoughts away. I even thought one of the men beside me was going to get off before my stop. I was going to tell him not to leave me!!!

Finally arriving a Holborn, I made it! On my own! YAY! I text M, he replied, 'Well done Bumble Bee!' It was hard, the anxiety was strong but I managed, I have to keep doing it, it has to get easier. Fingers crossed now for the homeward journey.

x

Trying to move on

2006-07-12T11:12:00.000Z

Well Friday just went by in a blur; much as I thought it would. I was up at 6.30am and not home till 10pm. Such a full and emotional day, however I had the support of my new friends; my fellow travelers; my lovely husband and a dear friend, B.
I felt so numb in the morning standing at Kings Cross with about 20 others. We said some prayers and read the names but I couldn't cry or feel any emotion. I was shocked that a year ago at that time I thought I was going to die. It was surreal. As we then left to lay flowers at a church nearby I got a text from my mum in Australia. Telling me how much she loved and missed me and was thinking of me. Well the tears from that point on came and went all day.
During the 2min silence I stood with my fellow survivors near Tavistock square. We had 20 helium balloons for each person on our train which we then let go at the end of the silence, that for me was so moving, a show that we will never forget them and they will always be in our hearts.
At the end of the day more of us gathered together in Regents Park. What a moving ceremony that was. Some of the bereaved got up to read poems, I don't know how they did it, I was in blubbering tears through the whole thing. Crying for me, for my friends in KCU, for the bereaved and for all who are affected by terrorism in this world. M sat there so lovingly through the whole thing holding my hand. He was holding back the tears, being strong for me. Thank you so much baby for being there, it meant the world to have you by my side.
M and I then ended the day together at our favourite Chinese restaurant near home. It felt right having it just him and I, talking and reflecting, thinking positive for the future.

I then went away for the weekend with M and Holly. It was lovely. We did absolutely nothing but sleep, eat, drink and walk on the beach. I so didn't want to come back to London on Monday. It was such a bolt back to reality.

I am trying to move on and be positive but it is hard. I am going through a wave of emotions from numbness then to tears. Then the bombings happened in India. What is this world coming to? I have this strong feeling that things will get worse before it gets any better and that makes me so scared and sad. Why do people think senseless killing is the answer? I wish I had the answer to be able to reach these people before they decide to strap bombs to themselves. Do they really believe doing this will make them martyrs?

A promise I made a few months ago, was to live each day in the memory of my fellow travelers that didn't make it out on July 7th. To be positive and to move forward, I am trying and I know I will find it eventually. The support of KCU, M, family and friends is making sure I reach that. I wish the same messages could be passed to those committing senseless crimes.

x

It's happened

2006-07-05T11:38:00.000Z

Ok second time lucky. I wrote a whole entry and then it got lost in cyber space!

I am back there again, it's all I can think about. It's all I can do. I am having trouble sleeping, I cannot concentrate at work, I am tired, I am snappy.

In the back of my head I know it's not the same, I am not crying every day although I feel like it. I cried with the psychologist last week and I could have just continued but I have held it all back. I have held it back from work and from M and my friends. My fellow survivors know, we have all spoken about it and have written about it.

The anniversary is almost here and I cannot believe it's been a year. God the year has seen so much. I think every day about how I feel and then my mind turns to the bereaved. How must they feel? A year since they saw their loved one, laughed with them, hugged them. Can they believe it's been a year? My heart goes out to them as I am still here. I still write about my story and I am doing interviews.

I do them in the hope to reach out to others, with any kind of trauma. No one should be alone when they feel like this. If it helps one person find counselling or KCU then it has been worth it and I am one step closer to feeling less guilt and sadness.

I am glued to the BBC website. They have started writing stories about survivors and bereaved one year on, also about everyone's thoughts now on Muslims. Why do I keep reading it all? It's not helping. Work keeps entering my email inbox, I see it pile up but yet I sit on BBC and read other news forums and consume my thoughts with more 7/7 stories.

I am hoping Friday will be a time for me of reflection and peace. The day I feel will go by in a blur and I will sit at the end of it not feeling any different. I am away on the weekend with a fellow survivor; away at her parents cottage. I look forward to it I think more than Friday. As I know we will laugh and be there for eachother. I look forward to her and M being together and him seeing the great friend I have made through this horrible experience.

I found them in the darkness, we have laughed together, cried together, supported eachother and it is this that keeps me going. It is this that I organise Friday for, it is this that stops me from crying. The bonds now shared, the friendships now formed.

So to Friday...I hope it brings us all peace and comfort. I will stand beside my fellow KCU survivors at 8.50 and at 12pm for the 2min silence. We will support eachother, I will think of the day and how far we have come. I will wish for nothing like this to ever happen to anyone ever again. I will think of all suffers of terrorism and trauma.

xx

Two concerts, two countries, one weekend!

2006-06-15T12:13:00.000Z

I have sat here many times to try and write something but nothing has come out. Well now I want to write about something happy....something that made me feel for the first time in almost a year completely and utterly joyous.

(please note...this entry is for humor and will show a side to me that I had before 7/7 and also to try and lighten the mood I am feeling right now.)

So last weekend I lived the life I should be living and appreciated every second. I got along to two concerts in two different countries.

First (and must I say THE most important) was Robbie Williams (or as I call him Sex on Legs!!) in Dublin. I have wanted to see him for so long. I have admired pictures, posters and song clips of him now I got the chance to admire him in person. And must I say...so much better in the flesh ;-) So I fly over with some friends and land to a beautiful sunny warm day in Dubbers. We leisurely walk around town, get some lunch, sit in the sun and listen to buskers. We then met another friend living there and go back to hers for drinks.
So 5.30pm and off to the concert we go. I literally think I am going to wet myself with excitement. We quietly watch the support acts, waiting for the main attraction. It's 8.45pm and he appears up through the stage in the crowd...oh god! The biggest smile appears across my face and I just float with happiness and joy. I send many texts to M telling him of my happiness. I took so many pics and recordings on my camera. The best video recording is at the beginning where we are waiting for him to appear, the minute he does you just hear me scream and the camera goes all wobbly from my jumping. I feel like such a school girl. I am laughing now while typing this.

It all ended way too quickly but I fell to sleep at my friends that night with warmth and ease; dreaming of the concert all night long.

The next morning we were up early again back to London, this time for Bon Jovi. M came along to this one with me. So I rushed home from the airport, showered and back on the train to Milton Keynes. We got there early and then just lazed in the sun together on the grass.
Just M and I together. It was lovely...chatting, cuddling, laughing. Still the smile has not disappeared. We listen to the support act - Nickleback, they were quite good. Then at at 8pm The Boys appear. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora on the big screen...how can a girl not be happy?
I haven't heard all of their new album yet but I find myself still swaying to all of their songs. The old classics are played...but I wait with baited breath for one...Livin' on a Prayer. It's their last song (before the encore).
The crowd of thousands are jumping. Seems everyone was waiting for this moment. It's amazing to look out at the sea of people, all smiling and screaming for the same thing. Everyone knows the words, we all sing in unison.
The concert finished we head back to North London, my head hitting the pillow at midnight. On Sunday I am shattered but it's all worth it.

Thoughts and memories have started to play with mind again leading up to the anniversary. But how can a girl be unhappy when her dreams have come true.... two concerts, two countries, one weekend! Bliss!

x

Narrative

2006-05-11T11:07:00.000Z

Ok so the narrative is out. I haven't read it all yet, it's all printed and waiting for me to read. I do have one question though already.

They say (the government) that having a public enquiry will take away police resources, money etc. However I have just read about the Afghan nationals that hijacked a plane, held people hostage for over 70hrs threatening to blow then up and kill people have been granted asylum here in England... WHAT???!!!

I then read about how much it has cost them -
£2.5 million for the four-day police operation,
£135,000 for the SAS marksmen,
£18,000 for the £200-a-night rooms and food for the hijack victims in an airport hotel,
£100,000 for hotel costs during the initial two-month inquiry,
£300,000 for the initial immigration inquiry into asylum applications,
£30 million for two Old Bailey trials, including 27 barristers and seven translators,
£1 million for appeals against conviction,
£120,000 for housing, benefits and education for the nine hijackers
£2.5 million for asylum appeals

Well where the hell did all this money and resource come from?? Oh that is right people like me who have had to pay to be in this country on a visa and who pay taxes every year but who get bombed on a train while going to work... and then get told I cannot have a public enquiry!

Right... Wrong???!!!
What do you think? I look forward to hearing peoples views on this.

By the way I would just like to add...I have spent the last 10mths trying to not get in political debates, questions etc. My views are mine and everyone has their own. Well I am sorry but enough is enough. I have had to battle this for too long and having the government sit and do nothing for 10mths is really starting to get up my goat!

x

Anger

2006-03-23T21:33:00.000Z

I have been meaning to be a bit more positive in my posts however there is just one last sad thing that I need to touch on. I mentioned it before in my last post and it's about the anger I feel inside.

At my last psychologist meeting she advised that I should write a letter to the people I feel most angry at. God that is hard. If I think about it, there are a few. I don't know if I could do it, I guess it would be a positive step to take to try and release this anger from me and move into a more positive frame of mind.

Ok first of all I guess I am angry in some way at the bombers. Or is it just the whole of July 7th? I am not sure. Angry that it happened, Angry that someone thought this was the answer to get their point across, Angry that no one helped me in the aftermath, Angry that I am still dealing with this, Angry that there is no public enquiry, Angry that the government is not giving us answers and in the very least support, Angry that these thoughts will be with me forever, Angry that it has changed me and my life.

God now that I have started I think I could keep going for the next half hour. But i don't know if it will be effective. Will it give me release? Will it give me answers or the help I need? I know I need to get it out and deal with it but I am sick of having the thoughts go over and over and over in my mind.

I am angry at my father. Angry that he didn't talk to my mum or me for the first 3 days of my life - because I wasn't the boy he wanted, Angry that he wouldn't take any blame for my parents divorce, Angry that he made us supress our thoughts when growing up, Angry that he wouldn't let me see a psychologist after the severe car accident I was in with my mother, Angry that he used me as a pawn to try and get my mother back, Angry that he spat in my face, Angry that he wasn't a communicator, Angry that he expected others to change if they migrated to Australia but still after almost 50 years of him living there he doesn't change. Angry that he now knows I was in July 7th and hasn't called me.

I am angry that I can't bring myself to speak to him, to tell him all these thoughts. I haven't spoken to him in 3.5years. I think now (as I know how quickly life can end) that what if I never do. What if I get that call from sisters saying he passed away? How will I feel?

Through my psychologist meetings we have found that my negative thoughts on myself stem from my father. We were not allowed to have feelings and deal with them, not allowed to do bad things. If we got upset we couldn't talk about it. So this is why I couldn't deal with July 7th for so long, this is why M and I had problems last year. No communication.

But I broke the cycle, I will not be like my father and neither will my children. Communication and honesty is the key. Funny thing is I thought M was not supportive or didn't want to deal with me anymore at the end of last year. Since opening up and being honest with him our relationship has never been so great.

Reading over this now and thinking about it, is it really anger I feel? About July 7th and my father? I think it might be more dissapointment. In humanity that people think bombing is the answer and that my father will never change. Why can't you teach an old dog new tricks?

There are so many questions with no answers. Will there ever be a public enquiry to find out why? Will my dad ever realise he needs to take some blame? I'm tired now there are so many more thoughts, but maybe that is for tomorrow for the psychologist. Myself and 11 other survivors went to City Hall today to give our stories of July 7th and what can be learnt. It was a draining day but I think one we found successful. The assembly listened and were clearly bewildered by the stories they heard and what we have had to cope with on our own. I am so proud of my fellow survivors today. Well done - our first day to be heard!

Hopefully we can make a difference xx

Life is Precious

2006-03-20T21:11:00.000Z

So many thoughts going through my head right now I am having trouble processing them all.

I have just got back from a week away with M to Morocco. We had a fantastic time, so relaxing and definately what I needed. 26 degrees every day and not a cloud in the sky. We went sightseeing in the morning then lazed by the pool in the afternoon. We haven't had a holiday like that in 2years.

We are booking alot of trips now, to make up for the 6mths at the end of last year when we really didn't go anywhere and because we are heading home in about 5mths. I can't believe that this time next year my life will be so different. I often think back to how my life was before July 7th.

My main feeling at the moment is anger. At so many things that I can't put it all together, but I will write about that in another post. However the main bit of anger I have felt since my trip and now since watching' The Child Who's Older than Her Grandmother' tonight is how I am not appreciating how precious life is and how much I have.

In Morocco there is still so much poverty, I really didn't think people still lived like that. I got so sad. We took a trip up to the Atlas Mountains and visited a Berber Village (berber's are types of Moroccans). In this village we visited a typical berber home. the house made of mud & brick, no windows, no running water. They had electricty and satelite tv but it was all so basic. No kitchens like we have, just a little concrete oven on the floor that they light with fire. No wardrobes full of clothes, no nic nacs. I got so sad and emotional but hade to hold it back as the family was there. We gave them some money as we left to thank them for letting us visit, we were told to give about 40-50 dirhams - about £5-6. The smile on the daughters face when I gave it to her was like I gave her the world! That will probably feed the family for a few weeks.

I ask M how can they live like that? He answers, 'they don't know any better'. and you know what they are happy. They are healthy, have a roof and a happy family. They don't have to rush to get to work by 9am, no urgent deadlines, no hussle & bussle, no unsatisfying customers to please. The father probably works as a carpenter and either walks to work or takes the family donkey. The mother goes down to the river every day to collect their veges etc from their patch and they make rugs to sell at the local markets. they don't want some high pressured, high business job.

Tonight the program on 'The Child Who's Older than Her Grandmother' made me sob. It was about a young girl who suffers from a rare ageing disease. She was 6 years old and her body was older than her grandparents. But she was the happiest and brightest child you could meet. The things she would say made me laugh. (Oh to be a child again!) She is obviously starting to realise what is happening to her but has not a care in the world. Was really enjoying and relishing life.

So these people you would normally look at and think they should be sad and not appreciate life, yet they are the happiest. Happy with their lot and enjoying it. I have so much in my life and so much to look forward to, yet for the last 3 weeks I have had sadness and anger always in the back of my mind. Bringing me down, dragging me along. I should be grateful that I am still alive and survived July 7th and I am. So why is this anger and sadness still lingering?

I know some people reading this will think I should just get over it, look at what I have compared to the people I have written about. How ungrateful I am. I am appreciative and know I am lucky. I say this yet do I really believe it in my head? I have to get over this anger. At what though I am not quite sure, so many things. Like I said though that is for another post. Maybe tomorrow.

So for now... I have a fantastic husband, i'm healthy, I have a job (even if I don't like it!), I have a roof over my head, I have a family that loves me, and I have fantastic friends that I have made from July 7th. So this is my little note that is now written on a yellow post it note and is going to be stuck in my handbag. I will pull it out when i feel down, lately alot on the tube and remind myself - life is precious.
x

Progress...????

2006-03-06T21:51:00.000Z

Well I did the journey on Friday with my psychologist. I cried all the way through and I have never felt so sick. I have always had an issue over the last 8 mths that I have never really felt connected with the day. However on Friday I felt like I was straight back there again. I couldn't believe so much time had passed. Going through the spot in the tunnel was the first time I have cried there in months, it was horrible, then having to get back on tube to go back up to Kings Cross was even worse. Remembering the faces I saw the steps I took and looking back down the tunnel where I walked out. All I wanted to do was throw up. I was told that is the anxiety, think about my feelings and notice what is now different.
After it was all over I went to work and was thrust straight into work by my line manager. All I wanted to do was scream out at him and say 'do you not know where I have been?? What I have just done??' I had a head ache all day and felt sick.
Going through there again today on my way to work, felt weird. I feel proud of myself from Friday, facing my fears and accepting them however today I felt so upset. I guess it is left over feelings but I couldn't focus on anything. I said a prayer today, I felt I had too.
M and I have been going to the gym, 4 nights last week and then again tonight. Things are going great with us, we are talking better now than we ever have. And we are going away on Sunday.
But why do I still feel so crap? Obviously I am still dealing with my journey on Friday. Plus I have received alot of news articles, stories etc regarding terrorists, July 7th and our governments. I am starting to think I won't get over this last step until I leave to go back home in 5mths. How can I go on feeling like this for another 5mths?
I know it will pass and yes I am better than where I was at my lowest in November/December last year. Maybe I am angry that alot of people around me have moved on and they just can't see how much I am hurting inside. I finally told my assistant last week, where i have been going every Friday. She just looked at me in shock but I guess now has some understanding why I have my outbursts of irritation at work.
Sorry for the rambling, guess I am tired from the gym and want to get some thoughts out.
My goal over the next week is to point out the positives in my life. My first (and major one) is my husband M, I wouldn't be where I am, or who I am without him. His silent support and continuous encouragement gets me through each day. You make me smile and thanks for the flowers today. I love you.
xx

Enough already!

2006-03-02T13:15:00.000Z

I can't take this yo yo ride I am on anymore. One day I am as happy as Larry the next I have hit rock bottom. And it takes something stupid, something small to bring you right back down again.
Sorry this entry might be hard for some to read ... so just a word of warning!
I went to my psychologist last week and for the first time in 3mths of sessions I didn't cry (well not properly!). thought I was doing well and told her so. However I felt there was this underlying message from her that maybe I wasn't, and the post I wrote about my friend questioning me last week has put doubt in my mind.
It has been on my mind all week, so last night I thought for the first time in ages I will look at the bbc website they have on 7th July. I made myself read and look at things I didn't want to and really shouldn't have. I then got stuck on the page of victims. I looked at them all, read their names and then just started sobbing, quietly on my own. It could have just as easily been me. The stories of people back home that didn't make it. That could have been me they were writing about. Then I thought 'well it's not' but I AM a victim. I don't think that has hit me yet, it's all still a dream to me. I don't really feel connected completely until I am in a packed tube and can't breath - only then do I believe that I was there.
I have another psychologist appointment tomorrow and she is meeting me at my tube station to do the journey to Kings Cross with her. Oh god, I hardly go to Kings Cross now if I can avoid it. Don't know if I want to go back there tomorrow, stand in the same spot where I was pulled up off the tracks, walk back up the same escalators where I couldn't breath, stand at the ticket hall where I sobbed uncontrollably, go out on the street where I feel into M's arms. But I will do it, it's got to make me stronger right? I'm so scared though.
I just want it to be over but it will be with me forever and it's something I have to accept. I'm still so angry, at what I am not sure. The bombers? The racisim now affecting our world? The violence now happening everywhere? Or am I angry at myself? For not having moved on, or for not accepting that has happened to me? Or is this the build up to the anniversary?

Friends

2006-02-26T17:34:00.000Z

Well since my last post, I am still having the same feelings. Feel like pulling away but knowing that is not the answer. Wanting to find that switch that turns it all off but know I am the only one that can work through this in my head.

I went out to dinner with two female friends on Thursday night. We are trying to make this a regular occurance, as we have been friends over here for so long but don't meet up with eachother enough. Had a great dinner as we always do, chatting, laughing, never a moments silence. One of them just got engaged so of course we were 3 excited woman chatting about dresses, weddings and rings. Dinner finished and one of the friends B decided she wanted another drink so her and I headed over to the pub. Well I now find out that was under pretence.

She got me a bit more merry and then hit with the question 'how am I feeling?' B says she has been worried about me and believes I am not facing my feelings. I saw her the day after July 7th and I didn't realise but I apparently told her that whole story that day, what went on down in that dark tunnel. I thought I hadn't told anyone. And she has saved it all in her head, everything I have ever said since and how I have been since. It amazed me. How can this one person, who I know is my friend, have so much worry and feeling for me? I was shocked. She wants me to tell my story to her again and talk to her anytime. How can I? Why do people want to know? I know the answer, she is a great friend and is worried about me. Actually I would almost consider her my best friend over here now after Thursday. (I never thought I had one here, thought they were back in Australia) I know I can trust her and I know I should open up but it's so hard and very emotional. I started crying over our drinks and said I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I'm sick of talking about it, but yet it goes on.

I told my psychologist this on Friday and she seems to think it would be good to chat to someone about it that is outside my bubble - KCU, psychologist, M. I would like to and maybe I will sometime soon but when the time is right. I guess it is hard opening up to someone when everyone outside of KCU hasn't known how to handle it or what to say. M in particular still finds it hard but I know he tries to listen, it's hard for him. He told me while he was very drunk on Friday night that 'he wasn't there to protect me, that he would do anything to stop me from getting hurt!' I know this to be true but I wish he would let go off his guilt - he says he isn't guilty but I know sometimes he wishes he had been on the train with me - what could he have done?? God so many thoughts and feeling there I could go on for hours. We have both come a long way in the last few months.

On Friday night I also had a work buddy tell me 'that he believes I should concentrate on getting better'. Said he knows I am still not over it but in time things will heal.
Oh god where has this all come from? The last person at work I expect to say something but he comes out with this.

How do I feel now when two people in two days say 'they know I am not coping, and should open up more to deal with it?' Well sad as I thought I was doing well but happy to know that people are thinking of me when I thought no one was.
As I look out the window I imagine little me, alone in this big wide world. But I know I am not, even though people don't say it every day I now know I have huge support from my friends.
How lucky I am and I will thank God every day for these kind souls.
x

How do I feel today

2006-02-22T15:32:00.000Z

Today I am not sure how I feel. I have had such a mixture of emotions the last week. It all started with a play I went and saw last week on July 7th. I am still not sure how I feel about that play. Then I got sick and then on the weekend I spent pretty much on my own as M was working - relaxing, getting my hair done, checking out the gyms. Work has been getting more stressful this week, but then this morning I got on the tube and at the next stop a fellow traveller from July 7th, Holly, hoped on. And tonight, yes finally M and I are joining the gym! yes you read it here folks BumbleBee is going to get fit - well at least try ;-)
This morning was such a strange journey. I was so glad to see her as I always look out for her as she is the one I mention in my story of July 7th. The tall girl that can't see anything!! It was lovely to be together and chat but strange as we both made a conscious effort not to mention 'last time we were together on the tube ......' When we left Kings Cross silence fell on our conversation, what could we say but sit there together. I was shaking once I got out at my stop, glad to have finally finished that journey together but strange as it was done just like that. I sent her a text when I got out and we have been emailing eachother today and it's all I have been thinking about.
I am not sure where I am heading with this post. I think what I am trying to say is that in the last week I have thought about pulling away. As in stopping my meetings with my pyschologist, stopping reading the bbc website looking for more information on July 7th, stop reading my fellow KCU member blogs every day and stop reading our KCU emails. I think I've had enough of it all but I know so many others feel the same too. I guess I have to take it day by day, but last night was the first time in weeks that I have sat down and sobbed about it again. I'm not sure where all these feelings are coming from as I thought I was doing so well, laughing, seeing friends again and building my relationship back up with my husband.
But I guess as they say we will have highs and lows and this is just another low and it has hit hard because I haven't been here in awhile. And I know pulling away is not the answer as I will miss my new found friends.
I found this today and I like it:

Trials give you strength, sorrows give understanding and wisdom.
Chuck T. Falcon

hmm everything in life happens for a reason I say, this is my learning experience.
BBx

July 7th through my eye's

2006-02-20T20:36:00.000Z

Here is my account of the day. It's a bit long. I have tried to shorten it and take out bits but I thought best to leave as a full story, right from the start till the time I went to bed. It all has meaning to me. Hopefully this is another stepping stone in my road to recovery, I am feeling much better after finally writing it only a few weeks ago. Thanks to Holly for the encouragement, made a great difference.
By the way - Holly is the tall lady I mention while on the tube!!

Well it was a normal July morning. I don’t remember getting ready that morning. I do remember what I was wearing. My favourite pin-striped trousers at the time and my favourite new knitted purple top - a top I have not worn again since that day. I stare at it many times now when I open the cupboard (almost every time), what will it mean if I wear it again? Will I ever throw it out or keep it for memory? Anyway I took my black jacket in case it’s cold. My husband (M) and I get outside, it’s cold so I put my jacket on as we walk up the street. We get to Turnpike Lane tube and there are people all around the turnstiles. Crap, have the tubes stopped? Why are people everywhere? I hear something about a defective train at Caledonian Road. They had actually closed the line but have just re-opened it. So only one turnstile is now open. I grab a copy of the metro and we slowly we get through and down the escalator, we get down to the platform and I see it’s packed.
Only a few weeks before I used to always get on the front of the second carriage or back of the first as that is where the exit is at Holborn. M then started saying lets get on the end of the train as there are less people and we are more likely to get seats. We had some arguments about it as I am lazy but I do it to save more arguments and also because I don’t have to stand in a crowded carriage anymore. Anyway on this day I was about to turn and say lets get on the front as it’s going to be crowded wherever we get on. Thank god something stopped me from saying this as it haunts me to this day. What would off happened if I did? M says he wouldn’t off done it but what if he hadn’t been with me that day?
Well we get down the end of the platform it’s hot so I take off my jacket. We read the front page of the Metro it’s splashed with the Olympic win from the day before. We read it together and discuss how London will cope with the crowds of people. It’s stuffed to the brim already! We wait ages for a train; 10-15min. Finally it arrives. From memory it wasn’t really that packed. I do remember getting on the front single door of carriage six as I always do and turning to the seats and seeing so many men in suits (were one of these the ones that bravely took control?). Something I found strange then and something I find strange now for remembering (as you will read on you will realise some important things I can’t remember but this I do! It’s so funny how the mind works). I stand between the suited men seating, M stands near the interconnecting doors, and so we travel like that till Finsbury Park where I finally get a seat.
And so I read my metro, or try to. There is a man standing in front of me with a backpack on that keeps hitting my paper and getting in the way. I don’t say anything though and try to hold it close to me to read. I do notice though when I look up every so often how full the train is getting as I cannot see M anymore. We finally get to Kings Cross and I look up to say goodbye to M, we always say goodbye and give each other a kiss, but today I can’t even see him. I don’t like not even saying goodbye as I don’t feel it is a good way to start the day. I always think you never know what might happen. How did I know what was going to happen in the next few minutes??
So he leaves the train and I get back to my metro as the train gets full again. I don’t even know how far in the tunnel we were when IT happened. The noise, the bang, the confusion, the smoke!! There it was, down in the dark, dusty filled tunnel some person in the middle of carriage one lets a bomb go. I cannot remember the bang, I have only heard it once since in my nightmares. All I remember at that moment, that instance is thinking we have just run over something or something electric has blown and it was right behind me, right at my carriage in the tunnel as the noise was so loud and as the blast came in my hair flew in front of my face. What happened exactly after? Confusion? Silence? I swear the tube kept going for a bit as I thought we must still be heading onto Russell Square. (This to me feels like a minute, now I realise it must have only been seconds). However it then finally comes to a halt and the lights go out, or were they already? Silence and confusion again. Then the smoke starts, slowly if fills the carriage and then more heavily. The silence I think is then broken by the screams of ‘open the vents’, ‘no close the vents, the smoke is coming in from there’, ‘open the interconnecting window’, ‘no there might be smoke’. I turn to my left where a lady says she was going to get off at Kings Cross too.
I am still confused about what exactly happened next. At first I think I was in shock about what was going on, thinking this is not really happening and that the driver will come through the speaker any second saying everything is ok and we will be moving. Then I must have thought I must do something as I got up to try and help some lady try to open the windows behind the seats. They weren’t budging at all! I see the men are trying to open the doors, they are not budging either. Everyone is still screaming orders at each other. The men around me seem to have taken charge and trying to work out what to do. There is one lady with long brown hair and dressed in a nice suit, she has stood on the chairs and is telling everyone to keep calm, that we will be ok and passing messages up and down the carriage.
Then one of the men starts swinging from the bars above the doors and starts kicking in the windows in the door. Yes a way out, some air and then the glass finally splits I realise just how close we are to the tunnel. Oh god, I can’t fit out there, none of us can. I then just sit down and start to cry, I can’t die not like this I have so much to live for. I have only been married for 9mths and have just moved into a new flat. How can I go like this, my family, my husband they won’t know how I feel about them. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to M. No this isn’t fair I’m only 27. What will M do without me? We still have so much to do together, oh god!!
Still crying a guy starts to comfort me and tell me that everything will be ok. He tells me to use my jacket to breath into as it’s getting harder to breath and my eyes are stinging and I can't hardly see anything. Nothing seems to be happening there is no way out of this tube. The men in charge tell others down the end of the carriage the only out is through the back, WE MUST leave there. No they scream back, it’s not safe, there is fire out there, the tracks might be live. We scream back it’s our only way, open the back door. I then see a flash in my mind of us all passing out and dying on top of eachother and not getting saved. I then hear myself screaming at the top of my lungs ‘we need to get out of this f**ken train so open the back door!’ God where did that come from? I am now hysterical and shaking, no I am not passing out. The guy keeps comforting me and giving me hugs. We then hear we are going out through carriage 5 but no one moves. What is going on? Then we are told we are leaving out the back, again no one moves. Oh I really can’t take much more of this I can barely keep my eyes open. I look up and ask a tall lady standing ‘can you see what is going on down there’ she replies no and I think you’re tall why not? Then finally she says they are moving. Oh God finally. I am really shaking now and so scared, I just want to get out and cannot think of anything else now. It takes another few minutes before we move.
I get to the end of the carriage and walk through the drivers compartment, there are two policemen on the track helping us down and directing us back up to Kings Cross. I hug one of them and say ‘thank you, thank you for rescuing us.’ They tell us to stay on the middle of the track and walk a few minutes back to Kings Cross where we will be helped back up onto the platform. So we all walk up the tunnel, following the person in front. The kind guy (Tom) is behind me and still asking if I am ok. We round the bend and there is the westbound Piccadilly line platform of Kings Cross. I think to myself what a strange angle to see it from, the tracks in the tunnel, hopefully I will never see it from this view again. We get to the platform and there are tube staff helping us up on the platform. How will he lift me up but he does. There are also staff handing us out water. There aren’t much left so Tom and I share a bottle. What do we do? What has just happened? I see people with sooty faces and crying coming from the eastbound platform, where have they come from? Again what has just happened?
So we head up the escalators where there are more people just like us. What do we do now? I just want to get out and call M. So we go to leave and there are tube staff saying we must give our details to them before we leave. So I do and they just ignore Tom. I have already called M in hysterics, he is still at Kings Cross I must see him. I tell Tom I will wait for him up the top of the stairs outside I must see M. I get to the top and another tube staffer is there telling me I must leave, I cannot stand near the tube but I am waiting for Tom. No she says I have to get out of the area. And so I have to leave and ring M again. I am so hysterical I can’t understand really where he is but then have a moment of clarity. Other people that have been evacuated from other parts of the station are just looking at me and saying what happened. I don’t know but whatever it is, it is not good. A man gives me a tissue and another lady says she will stay with me till I find M. He is out front of Burger King, I see him and just run across the road. I call out to him as he is walking away, he looks up and I just fall into his arms. Oh god, thank you for letting me be with him again. I just sob and tell him I thought I would never see him again. Poor M what must he be thinking. He then sees the soot on my face and then on many others behind me. He realises I wasn’t just a stuck tube, something bad happened.
We then don’t know what to do. M says I have to get checked out and find out what happened. By this stage there is a cordon around Kings Cross and there are ambulances arriving. I still have a bottle of water with me and try to get all the soot out of my mouth and throat. I can’t breath properly and keep coughing. What is this that I have breathed in? So we ask paramedics ‘can they check me over, what have I breathed in, am I ok?’ but they kept saying they can’t and that there is something else they need to see to. I had no idea what tragedy they were going to, if only I knew I would have stopped pestering them. Were these the paramedics that saved lives, where these the ones that had to leave people behind, were these the ones now living with the pictures of that carriage?
While I am waiting a journalist comes and asks me if I was on the tube and if I would do an interview. I wasn’t really thinking. So I said yes. It took a very long time for him to get through to his colleagues in the studio and he kept staying right next to me while I am trying to get help. A policeman then finally comes over and we ask what has happened. He said IT has happened elsewhere, a lot more trains and some buses. God what is going on? He then says we should go over and get on the buses that are going to the hospital. The journalist follows and just before I get on the bus he shoves the phone in my face. And so I have an interview with BBC News 24. Little did I know this interview would make it all the way to TV in Australia for M’s family to see but also to my mum’s local paper in Hobart, Tasmania. And so interview over we go to get on the bus and as I look down the bus I see a man with a head wound with some girls tending to him. To this day I cannot remember exactly what he looked like but I know I didn’t like what I saw and immediately turned around and told M this is not the bus for me and got off. So what do we do now? By this stage (maybe 1hr) I wanted to go home I was so tired and so me, like many others start to walk home. We met a foreign girl who had no idea where she was going or how to get home, I think Kentish Town. We had no idea and I couldn’t help her, I was so confused myself and had no idea which direction we were headed. I feel so bad for leaving her. I hope she is ok and made it home safely, why didn’t I walk with her? And so we walked north. I stopped about 15min up the road, no cabs, no transport and utterly exhausted. M kept saying we have to keep going, it’s the only way. So I get up and we walk, seeing many others just like me with sooty faces. Finally we get to Caledonian Road (I found this out later when I went pass once on the bus) and try a mini cab office. No luck they say – 1hr for a cab. Then I see a black cab let some people out. I run up and ask him can he take us. No he first says. I plead that I have just been on the train at Kings Cross and need to get to the nearest hospital. Ok he reluctantly says and takes us to the Royal Free at Hampstead. Lots of traffic around and while sitting in the cab I finally try to get in contact with friends, family and work but no luck – the signal is down. We get a text come through from work though, to all engineers, telling them not to use public transport and stay where we are. I think to myself, too late for me! And so we finally get to hospital. I must have been one of the first in as there were so many nurses etc around. I give my details and get assigned an area and nurse. They ask what happened and then say they are going to do some tests to check my lungs etc. One of the tests is a arterial blood test to test blood gas level. My god never felt so much pain. M couldn’t handle looking at me like that. I sit and wait on the bed, still wondering what has gone on and really cannot believe where I am. Tests back and I have higher than normal levels of carbon monoxide (?) in my blood but am fine and they should go down in a few days. I just need to drink lots and breath in fresh air.
So we leave the hospital and as we do I pass a room with a patient being looked at by many doctors/nurses. I can see his legs, no shoes, dirty feet and his clothes blown off. Then we pass a room with the TV going and the news on, oh my god! London has finally been hit and I was caught up in it.
Outside while working out how to get home buses and police vans with more victims, all looking as shocked and scared as me. We walk down the road and find a bus going to Camden. For some reason I am not scared to get on it, I just want to get home. We get off at Camden and wait and wait for another bus but the traffic heading out of the city is ridiculous. I don’t think I have the energy to walk home. Then a black cab comes along and for some reason I can’t take my eye of it and then see a colleague of ours is in it and she only lives down the road from us. And so off I run through the traffic to get in. She is shocked to see us; she has come all the way from Victoria. On the way home it starts to rain.
I finally get in the door and can’t wait to take my clothes off. I want to get rid of the smell and have a shower. But first we ring our parents. I finally sit and sob for the first time since I got off the tube and saw M to my mum. She tells me she thought that she was going to have to come over to collect my body. Oh god! She was so worried as knew that was my line and the time I go to work. By this time it was over 5hrs since the bomb had gone off. My eldest sister then calls and again we sob. I finally have a shower and wash all the soot come out of my hair and skin. It took a few days to finally get all the soot out of my hair. We watched the news all afternoon and had a few friends pop round to see me. This time they cry and I can’t – shock had really finally set in. I finally go to bed about 11pm I think and try to forget about how that day had started.

Wishing my life away

2006-02-15T11:32:00.000Z

I didn't realise till today that I have been wishing my life away. A colleague just pointed it out to me. Whether it be wishing to forget about July 7th and get over it, to wishing the working week over or to wishing August was here so I would be heading back home to Australia.
I was telling my colleague what I have been up to this week and how tired I am feeling and how I can't wait for Saturday for a sleep in. Her reply, 'You seem to be wishing your life away!'
And it's true, I am 27, recently married, living in a lovely flat on the other side of the world. I should appreciate each day and wake up with zest.
Yet I hear the alarm the go off and my thought is 'oh just another half hour!' I am sure there are many out there like this, we all hear the alarm and wish it wasn't true. I have to say though in the last 7mths it has gotten much worse. And a fellow tube passenger on July 7th said today she has felt that she has been dragging herself through each day with no spring in her step. Yes that is me too. So without further excuses (they have been money and laziness) I am joining the gym this weekend. I have to otherwise I will become an overweight, house bound 28 year old.
Also when we leave to go home at the end of the year we will be traveling for about 2 -3 mths. With the way I feel now there is now way I could keep up with the traveling every day for that long. I also need to write out an eating plan and stick to it. I'm not that bad but the picking at work in the afternoon and the takeaways are not good. Making my lunch each day will be a huge achievement.
So it has to be done, it's this weekend! I will even tell my psychologist this Friday as I feel so guilty when I go back to her the next week and haven't done a task we have set for me. It's time to start feeling better again and enjoy the end of my OE.
I will let you know how it goes, and now that I have written it here, I have to do it. Right? :-)

My First Blog

2006-02-12T11:51:00.000Z

I have been encouraged to write a blog by a fellow 7/7 passenger. I have wanted to for so long but felt I would never have anything profound to say or say anything in the write way. 'It doesn't matter' she says. 'It's very therapeutic and it's your own thoughts'.
So here I am. I don't think it will have a consistent view, just mainly how I have changed since being caught up in the bombings on 7/7 and what my views are now on the world and the people that inhabit it.
I have spent a relaxing weekend not doing much at all. Slept in yesterday while my husband went off to work (poor thing), then met up with a friend for a late lunch. She is always makes me laugh and makes me see things from a different perspective. Then I relaxed at home with my man and now we are about to head off to meet up with another couple, very close friends of ours for lunch at a local pub.
One thing I have realised since 7/7 is how many special friends I have and how much I mean to my husband and family. I have made a new bunch of friends since 7/7 - they are my fellow tube travellers from that day. They are now my inspiration and the bestest friends I will ever have!
This blog is for them. x